Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

We are equal but we are not the same.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.